Edward Wimberly, the author of Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religious Caregivers, proposes that religious caregivers can find spiritual replenishment by identifying personal myths in their lives. He asserts that, “Personal myths have their roots in the way we cognitively organize our thinking as we interpret reality. They also have theoretical roots in object relations theory, self-psychology, and family systems theories” (Wimberly 31). Reading Wimberly’s chapter on personal myths has helped me identify myths in my own life that do not align with my true identity in Christ, which is separate from worldviews, societal expectations, and my parents’ parenting style.
Wimberly’s assessment of perfectionism helps renew my mind on how I interpret my reality. I became aware of my unhealthy thought patterns, especially in relationships and academic spaces. I truly love people, and I desire to be the best person that I can be for others; however, this healthy desire can compel me to desire perfection.
The compulsion I feel to be flawless is rooted in my father’s parenting style. As a child, I obsessed over making perfect grades and being excellent in school because my father coached me to be an honor student. As an athlete’s pride is his sport, my pride is academia. Since elementary school, I’ve always felt pressured to have a perfect report so that my father would be proud of me. I remember coming home after school one day, excited to show my father that I had honor roll. He did not show any signs of excitement, but he asked me, “Why do you have a B? You need to make all As.” I was crushed by his reaction, and after that day, I hid my report card if I had more than one B.
Wimberly argues, “according to self-psychology theory, if significant others fail to show us empathy early in childhood, we will interpret ourselves as being worthless and without regard. Such an interpretation might lead us to seek to be perfect, or perform perfectly, to gain from the significant other the regard that we hunger for,” (Wimberly 32). This quote articulates my experience as a little girl seeking the approval of my father. As I grew older, I always wondered why my father never congratulated me or seemed proud of my many accomplishments. Even when I did have straight As, he would encourage me to go further and not to settle for a 91 but shoot for a 100.
After reading Wimberley’s chapter on personal myths, I recognized that what I needed from my father was empathy. I needed my father to congratulate me or show compassion towards me when I didn’t meet his expectations. I needed to know that my father still loved me even though I didn’t perform perfectly. With that being said, the myth of rejection needs to be reauthored in my life. I noticed negative thought patterns build cases against me to prove why I am unlovable. However, I choose to remind myself that I am wanted and accepted.
Moreover, as I contemplated my father’s childhood, I recognized that my dad didn’t know how to parent me or how to show empathy to his firstborn. Perhaps my father only knew how to coach me because the only positive male figures in his life were his football coaches. As a football player, he was not often exposed to empathy, care, gentleness, or compassion, but he was constantly pushed to be better, perform higher, run faster, and overwork himself to be the greatest. My dad’s internalized experience as an athlete molded his interpretation of fatherhood, and he gathered his knowledge from football coaches. Sitting with my father’s reality helps me have more compassion towards him because he truly did the best he could with what he had. With this new insight, I can be compassionate with people outside of my household because everyone is trying to build their own narratives with the narrative they are currently holding together.
His parenting style benefited me in a lot of ways, and thankfully, I am aware of the negative impacts. The way that I interpret reality is often through an idealized, perfectionistic lens. For example, in my alone time, I often overcorrect myself after an interaction with another person because I am afraid of using my words inaccurately. Like an athlete replays film over and over, I replay conversations in my mind, seeking to correct possible mistakes. But I feel freer knowing that I am being transformed daily, and Wimberly’s chapter on personal myths has helped me recognize that I need to be more empathetic to my mind and body, and in turn, I can be gracious to other human beings.
Wimberly, Edward P. Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religious Caregivers. Jossey-Bass, 1997.
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